The Skeleton Detective and Sidekick
by iHeartGreenDay212
Summary: Valkyrie and Skulduggery, partners in anti-crime. Join them as the adventure unfolds. Basically a re-write of the books, it begins between Dark Days and Mortal Coil.
1. O'Connell's street

**Skulduggery Pleasant ~ 3**

**Erm this is my first story so rate me but don't hate me.(I mean review but that doesn't rhyme with hate)**

**Everyone is probably OOC.**

**There WILL be romance involved somewhere in the story.**

**And no, I won't say who, but let's just say, things are not as they first seem...**

**And this is set after Dark Days.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SP. Unfortunately.**

**Love,**

**iHeartGreenDay212**

**xxx**

...

The vampire came out of nowhere.

"Valkyrie, MOVE!" shouted Skulduggery.

Valkyrie looked up just in time to see Dusk fly at her.

She cursed and ducked and he went over her, but one of his talons tore across her scalp.

The pain was blinding,and the hot blood was running down her face.

Everything started to go black.

The last thing she saw was Skulduggery kicking Dusk in the face.

...

"Valkyrie? Are you ok?" she heard Kenspeckle say.

Her eyelids flickered and opened.

Skulduggery breathed out a sigh of relief.

Kenspeckle turned to him and glared.

"You see what I mean? When you brought her here, she was a few minutes short of dying. And yet AGAIN, it's your fault. This might be it, you know. Look, her eyes are all blank and empty!"

"My eyes aren't blank and empty," retorted Valkyrie. "They're gorgeous and full of wisdom."

Kenspeckle sighed. Don't be impertinent," he said, wagging his finger at her.

She raised her eyebrows.

"Do I have to lie here and be wagged at? I've got other things to do, like to _go kick the crap out of Dusk_," she said, sitting up.

Kenspeckle rushed her.

"You're not to move for at least three hours or so. Oh and..." he trailed off, patting the numerous pockets on his doctor's coat, "You need to put this gel on the cut to reduce scarring."

Valkyrie frowned.

"How will I do that? Won't it get stuck in my hai-" she broke off, seeing the expression on Kenspeckle's face. "What?"

Realisation swept over her.

"You didn't..." she said, putting her hand to her head.

There wasn't a single hair there.

"YOU DID!" she screeched, lunging at Kenspeckle. "You BASTARD!"

"Language," said Skulduggery casually.

She proceeded to try to choke him with the string around his neck.

He groped for something at the end of the string, and threw seawater into her face.

Valkyrie screamed as a stinging pain came across her eyes. She let go of his neck, stumbled backwards and fell onto her backside, trying to get the salty water out of her eyes.

"Knew that'd come in handy someday," said Kenpeckle, trying to look nonchalant as he straightened his coat.

Valkyrie spat out some of the salt water. "That," she panted "was uncalled for,"

"Oh," retorted Kenspeckle. "YOU attack ME and that was uncalled for?"

"My attack was _very _called for! YOU SHAVED MY HEAD," shouted Valkyrie.

"Do you think I'm stupid? I have a way to grow your hair back within minutes!" kenspeckle shot back at her.

"Oh," was all she could say.

He turned on Skulduggery. "And as for you, Mister Funnybones, you COULD have helped,"

"Well, I could have helped, but salt water in _my_ face wouldn't have stopped me choking you," replied Skulduggery calmly.

Kenspeckle scowled and Valkyrie smirked.

"Anyway, you should go get changed," Skulduggery spoke to Valkyrie.

The look on Kenspeckle's face made Valkyrie burst into laughter.

"Really. I'm fine."

She went to get changed.

When she came out of the bathroom, - fully kitted out in her specially made clothes - that had saved her life on more than one occasion - she beckoned to Skulduggery.

"Are you coming or not?"

"Well, of course I'm coming, but aren't you forgetting something?" he asked her.

"Like what?"\line He gestured to his head, indicating her shiny bald head.

"Oh yeah!" She turned on the puppydog eyes and looked at Kenspeckle.

His eyebrows kneaded together. He couldn't resist Val's puppy eyes.

He grunted. "Fine."

"Thanks!" she said cheerily, but leaned closer and lowered her voice and said "Really, Kenspeckle. Thanks. And I'm sorry for trying to choke you."

"Don't mention it," he replied. "Good God, but if I live another six hundred years I will never understand the pride of a female."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind, let's go. If we get onto the subject of Kenspeckle's nonexistent love life, we will never leave."

Kenspeckle narrowed his eyes.

"I CHOOSE to be a loner, unlike YOU, skeleton," he positively growled.

"Seriously, though. I'd love to stay and make you all crack up laughing with my hilarious snippets of wit, but my partner and I must take our leave."

...

The people on O'Connell's street turned and stared at the Bentley R-Type Continental as it made its way down the road.(it's not exactly a commonly found car)

All but two of them were oblivious to the people inside.

"Fergus! Look, it's that Skulduggery person again in his fancy-arse car!"

The small man turned his greedy eyes on the Bentley, which was stuck in traffic.

He peered at it. "Are you sure?"

"Of course! Who else would wear that overcoat?"

"True that. Wait! Is - is that _Stephanie_ in the passenger seat?"

"I dunno,it could be. Oh, is it? It is!" Beryl was screeching and jumping up and down outside McDonald's on O'Connell's street.

A woman in a peanut suit stopped dancing and tutted. "Weirdos." (reference to Desmond Edgley's ex-seceretary)

People stared. Beryl didn't care.

"Ha! She called us liars! Fergus, give me your phone!"

He practically threw his Blackberry at her.

"YES! We have a picture!"

At this point even the soundproof windows of the Bentley had let some of her joyous rant through.

Valkyrie looked out the window and frowned. "Some weirdo is screaming and bouncing up and down in the middle of the street," she said.

"That looks an awful lot like Beryl," commented Skulduggery.

"Really? I don't see the resemblence at - oh, hell. It's her."

"Is that a phone?"

"It... DAMN!"

She bent over, shoving her face between her knees.

"STEP ON IT!"

As luck would have it, the traffic lightened and Skulduggery did, indeed, step on it.

...

As the notorious crime-solving skeleton and his partner and student parked on Cemetery Road, Valkyrie pulled her phone out of her pocket.

"Texting your mother to tell her you're staying at Hannah Foley's again? I swear, you have used that poor girl as an excuse so many times that someday your mother will start talking to her mother in Tescos or something and it will be bye, bye detective-ing."

Valkyrie scowled and stopped texting. "I hate it when you're right."

"Oh, I know." Skulduggery did an imaginary hair flip.

"...What was that? Did you just... pretend to flip your hair?"

"I did. Oh, how I miss hair. I wish you had have stayed bald so that we could be us baldies, together."

Her eyebrows furrowed, but her heart beat faster when he said "together".

"Like I would keep a head so shiny that you could see your reflection in it," she said defiantly.

"Exactly my point. I could have constantly checked that I didn't have spinach in my teeth, because, that would be bad. Considering how my teeth are so much more visible than yours."

"Okay, one: You would never have spinach in your teeth. You do not eat. Two: Your teeth are covered by a scarf almost all of the time. And three: Be honest, you just love your reflection."

"Children these days. Always talking back to you," said Skulduggery airily.

Valkyrie gave him a death glare. "I am sixteen years old. Not. A. Child."

"True. Onto other things, I didn't know Kenspeckle still carried that salt water."

"I know. He probably thinks he can, I dunno, inject it or something."

His teeth parted, obviously about to say something, when Brick By Boring Brick started to play.

"Oops. Gotta take this," she said quickly, grabbing the distraction.

She unlocked her Samsung Diva and Melissa Edgley's voice blared from the phone so suddenly that Valkyrie nearly dropped it.

She reluctantly put the phone to her ear, wincing at the volume.

"What? Beryl showed you a picture of me? I- what cult? I- I'll be right over."

"Looks like Beryl actually knows how to use a cameraphone."

"It does look like that."

"We'd better go."

"We'd better."

...

**I hope you enjoyed!**

**Please review!**

**I will update ASAHP**

**Love,**

**iHeartGreenDay212**

**xxx**


	2. Meet the parent

**Hey.**

**Back with another chapter.**

**Aww, did you miss me? I hope you did.**

**Heh heh, just joking. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Skulduggery Pleasant or any of the related characters(but I did shake Derek Landy's hand!)**

**ONWARD!**

**Love, **

**iHeartGreenDay212**

**xxx**

...

**-Recap-**

She unlocker her Samsung Diva and Melissa Edgely's voice blared from the phone so suddenly that Valkyrie nearly dropped it.

She reluctantly put the phone to her ear, wincing at the volume.

"What? Beryl showed you a picture of me? I- what cult? I- I'll be right over."

"Looks like Beryl actually knows how to use a cameraphone."

"It does look like that."

"We'd better go."

"We'd better."

...

A black Bentley pulled up outside a large enough semi-detached house in Haggard.

A teenage girl dressed completely in black stuck her head out of the car to make sure no-one was looking, then got out of the car and ran, jumping when she got near the window.

Valkyrie Cain soared up through the air, much higher than is humanly possible and landed on the upstairs windowsill.

She fumbled with the latch and opened the window.

When she got into the room, she dragged off her clothes and looked desparately around for something that wasn't black and made by a certain magical tailor.

Then Valkyrie was dressed in a pair of tartan skinny jeans and a grey Flinstones t-shirt and she jumped back out the window.

A few seconds later Stephanie Edgley came in through the front door.

"Mam? What was that call abou-"

"STEPHANIE EDGLEY!" This time it was her father that yelled.

For the first time in a while, she felt scared.

She mentally berated herself. _So,_ she thought, _you can fight a part-god, and go into a dimension of gods and be prepared to try to fight them, but your PARENTS still scare you? Pathetic._

Desmond Edgley burst through the kitchen door. Her mother was in Tesco.

"What did I ask you? Why did you lie? Stephanie, why did you do this?"

Valkyrie looked at them blankly.

"Dad, I have no idea what you are talking about."

He almost snorted.

"Don't act stupid. Beryl came around and showed us a picture she took of you, in a car with a man we have only seen twice in our entire lives. And he was Gordon's friend. That guy from some cult."

She had nothing to say to that.

He looked into her eyes.

"Steph, I've told you about this- this madness. Gordon was obsessed with it, and my grandfather- I don't want to lose you to it as well," he said, tears coming into his eyes.

"DAD. I am not part of a cult, and I am not mad. And you're not losing me to anything."

Desmond blinked.

"But, it was definitely you in the picture... Stephanie,what's going on?" he asked weakly, sitting down on a kitchen chair.

Valkyrie had a sudden idea. So she swallowed her dignity and proceeded.

"Umm... I was kind of hoping I didn't have to tell you like this, but... I was in the car with my boyfriend's dad."

He did a double take.

"What? But... you're only sixteen! You're too young for boyfriends!" he cried.

She couldn't help but smile.

"Dad - I am not too young," she said softly.

A resigned look came over his eyes.

"Fine. I want to meet him. Now."

She forced a smile onto her face.

"Okay! I'll call him!" she positively squeaked.

She ran up to her room, panicking.

Valkyrie punched Fletcher's number in on her phone.

"Fletch, my dad wants to meet you. You have to come over right now," she said breathlessly.

There was a _pop_ and suddenly Fletcher Renn was standing in her room.

"No! You have to go in through the _front door_," she demanded.

He frowned. "Why?"

"BECAUSE! If you come down from my room, _what the hell is my dad going to think?"_

His expression cleared. "Good point."

And with another _pop_ he was gone again.

The doorbell rang.

Desmond stood up and frowned. "That couldn't be him already.

She plastered another fake smile onto her face.

"Yeah, he moves fast."

The furrow in her father's brow deepened. "That had better not be some sort of... hint."

She shuddered.

Valkyrie flung the door open and was nearly blasted backward by the power of the smile that was threatening to rip Fletcher's face in half.

She rolled her eyes and swept her arm to invite him in.

He stepped forward, the beaming grin still on his face.

Desmond Edgley had a small smile on his own face as he held out his hand to shake.

Fletcher shook his hand with an almost painful ferocity, pumping his wrist up and down.

Valkyrie's father raised his eyebrows.

He walked into the living room, indicating that Valkyrie and her boyfriend follow.

Fletcher walked into the room in an almost 1920's Charlestown style.

She couldn't help but laugh.

As they sat down, her dad asked Fletcher a question.

"So, how did you meet my Stephanie?"

"..." Then he realised that Stephanie must be Valkyrie's given name.

Valkyrie was impressed at how he managed to talk without lessening the power of the beam that was almost connecting his ears.

"Oh! That's an interesting story, actually..."

...

"Well, Fletcher had better be going home now, hadn't you?" asked Valkyrie with a pointed glare.

"Umm... yeah! My mum will probably be looking for me, so..." he replied.

"I'll... accompany you back home. Is that okay, dad?" she asked.

"I suppose that's fine."

The young couple stood up and made their exit.

Fletcher took her arm once they got outside.

"Wait! My dad will be looking for us walking down the path!"

So they walked to the end of the road, made sure no-one was looking and teleported.

...

Desmond Edgley sat back in his chair,satisfied. He seemed like a nice kid. Someone that would look after his Stephanie.

And he had that natural English charm. _Must be the London accent_, he thought.

...

The teenagers ended up in the hotel room Fletcher was currently staying in in the Gresham hotel.

"Damn, teleporting is scary."

He smiled his cute smile at her and walked up to a mirror to check his hair.

"I swear. Sometime, I will yank your hair off in the middle of a teleportation and you will never find it."

"Hey, if I go bald you go bald too."

"Been there, done that. Never again."

Fletcher looked stunned.

"...You were _bald?"_

"Bad experience with Dusk earlier."

His eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"You were bald TODAY?"

She waved it away. "Kenspeckle's science magic helps speed up the regrowth."

"You wouldn't be _you_ bald. You hair is so pretty," he said, running his hands through it.

She hadn't realised until then, but her and Fletcher's faces were less than an inch apart.

He decided to close that gap.

His lips met hers, and her arms went up around his neck.

He had one hand on the small of her back, pressing her against him and the hand that was still in her hair fisted, tugging her closer with every kiss.

Fletcher opened his mouth and very lightly, trailed his tongue over her bottom lip. She took the hint.

Her mouth opened as well, and their tongues met with a fiery passion that she had never experienced before.

Valkyrie moved her hands to his hips, pulling herself as close to him as she could possibly get without fusing into one being.

She ended up pushed against the wall, still making out with Fletcher.

Her tongue explored his mouth while his hands explored her body.

And then his phone rang.

They jumped apart and Fletcher looked for his mobile.

He flipped it up and Green Day stopped playing.

And the shouting replaced it.

"Déja vú," muttered Valkyrie.

She recognised that voice.

"Damn! Will you STOP SHOUTING," he said.

Skulduggery burst through the door.

Valkyrie spun around, but Skulduggery's momentum carried him into her.

They ended up on the bed, him on top of her.

Fletcher looked pissed and dragged her off the double bed.

"COME ON," screamed Skulduggery.

He pulledboth of them by the wrist and out the window he went.

They were falling, falling, falling.

And the Gresham exploded.

...

**Did you enjoy? REVIEW, PLEASE!**

**I will update soon.**

**Love,**

**iHeartGreenDay212.**

**xxx**


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